A few weeks ago, I found myself linked, by accidental choice, if there can be such a thing, to a large online community with whom I have nothing in common, at least on the surface. Against their will, they've formed a not exclusive enough club made up of women who are trying to complete a process most of us take for granted and even work hard to avoid. They're trying to have children. When I realized I was an outsider looking in on their often pervading grief, I felt like perhaps I was trespassing, but I'd committed myself to participating and felt I should honor my pledge. Plus, these women are hilarious and twisted. How can you not love that?
My life is sheltered by circumstance and I'm not one to tiptoe into trauma much less jump into it. I'm unusual in that, and yes, that's sarcasm but I'm beginning to think there is a reason to experience other people's grief, to seek it out even. It's not as if you can "fix it". It's not as if your suffering will make theirs any less, but there is a sense that we have an obligation to each other to absorb the pain we see in others and give back the truth that pain does not define us regardless of how deep the abyss of the experience is.
These next few days, I'm back, not belonging but not caring that I don't belong or that I know so little about what their particular hell is like. I came back because I want to give them what they want most. Sadly, I was not given omnipotence and am currently in the complaint queue to rectify this because I think I'd be an awesome superhero who would almost never use my powers for evil (not often, at any rate..and evil is subjective, right? ), but while I wait for this gross universal error to be corrected, I'm trying to think of other things to give these women.
I would like to give every one of them freedom from the betrayal they see in their own bodies and the choices they think they made that caused "this", from the constant clock watching that robs them of how beautiful the experience of life in general is and how beautiful they all are specifically. I would like to give them a picture of themselves from the outside, where the observers see formidable will, relentless determination, phenomenal resilience and as I have said before, a strength that stuns me. And I would like to give them all babies. Many many babies, because when these women become mothers, and I do believe all of them will, even if it's not the way they long to be, they will teach the right lessons, will love wholly with abandon and will constantly mirror to their children the perfection that they have come to see in themselves.