...a way of seeing beyond inner and outer.

Monday, May 9, 2011


if the draft version of a post in the works got to you.. oops.  welcome to the pot bowling over but by short way of explanation, i got a considerable distance ahead of myself and i'm going to buy art photography.   like i said, i need a "slow down" sign in close proximity to my person at all times..  a tattoo maybe, even.



  1. lets get a tattoo..I am thinking of a phoenix for myself. time to rise from the ashes!

  2. I'm in another insomnia jag so it is taking longer than I would like for the trickle down but I can't wait to see where all of this is going to end up. The Googlishish was muuuch easier to understand in English. How sexy is knowing so clearly what you want to do? The grass is always greener because my sign needs to say "Hurry up!". Actually, it should be an audio cue that goes off every time I pass from room to room in the ol' upstairs.

    PS. I didn't do it but I still have the design for my tattoo: a playing card from Marie Antoinette's court of a snake eating its own tail surrounding a heart on fire=everlasting love!

  3. C,
    I laughed when I read your comments because I've been seriously thinking about it actually, but I'm hoping it will pass.

  4. Hate hate hate that you can't sleep. Been there, not done that. Smiling about the google thing. I am curious about why you feel the need to hurry and what rooms you're popping in and out of in the not often funhouse of the mind.
    Anyway, My dirty little not so secret is that I have no freakin' clue what I want to do, only that I feel pulled by something to put some things I believe to the test when applied to creativitecompassioncapitalism. I fully expect to be smacked thoroughly, but the ...spiritual, the only word that really works, payoff is profound regardless. We'll see, but one thing that's inescapably true is that I've already had enough course corrections to know something about tacking, useful if nothing else.

  5. to you both: if you did, where would you? that's my issue, where do i want whatever i want to sit when i'm 80?

  6. Ok, now I remember a bit of what I wrote last evening before it disappearing. Trace, sometimes I feel like a (friendly UN type) of warship out at sea trying to break into your code. I am just not smart enough! So by "where" do you mean literally? As in geographically? Or where as in your heart or spirit? I think it is that, no? And personally I would never sass you about any form of spirituality because I have been lucky enough to see, all over the world, that folks who have a belief in something greater have a much better life. Period. The shutters are drawn for me in that room right now but the door isn't closed.

    As for creativecompassioncapitalism, there are tons of companies out there that are doing exactly that whether they be fair trade artisanal imports or environmentally friendly jeans. Or MAC cosmetics giving 100% of sales of Viva Glam lipsticks to their AIDS Foundation. So that is fantastic that you are thinking of creating something to give.

    My only point while I was up on my soapbox is that I don't agree when someone gives away the hard work of others, because it is not theirs to give (as with photography) or steal (as in pirating downloads of music or films). That isn't compassionate.

    I looove that you flat out admit that you have no clue what you want to do. I hear ya sister, hence the "hurry". But I know that you will find your way. No doubt about that at all.

  7. Heather,
    In no particular order:
    I doubt you're "not smart enough" for anything.

    When I write this mess, there is a lot of thinking out loud, via a keyboard, and I'm also trying to make what I say universal rather than specific to my own very small story.
    That's sort of the point of it all. We are connected. It's inescapable. What you and Remi do is a tangible reminder that just because you're happy be-bopping along in Middle America doesn't mean it's all okay because someone you need, a brother in Tibet, etc, is suffering and unless that's fixed you won't be truly at peace.

    Spiritually, well. I am a godmess. Very strict, quasi fundamentalist Christian upbringing, atheist, Hinduism, finally settling lightly on Buddhism. All I know is there's something smarter than me, and maybe it is even "me", minus the bullshit thought processes that came from one fear or another. "What will they think?", "What if I can't pay my bills?"., "What if I get sick?" "What if I screw this up?" etc etc ad infinitum.
    I feel like I'm removing sticky notes that were slapped on my psyche that say things that aren't based on anything true and meaningful and what I've found is "love".. or compassion, gives me peace. When I can stay in that state of thinking, "We're all in this together, even when 'you' piss me off royally and when 'you' do, it's about something going on inside of me more than it is about what 'you're' doing."

    Stealing.. amen. amen. amen. Your soapbox was good and right. It's a short step from careless, "borrowing" to stealing and I took everything you said to heart, as I should have. Given that you gave me a give of thought, I don't have a lot to add to that other than to say, believe deeply in what you do. It is transcendent. By that I mean, there are people who out of laziness or fear of what they find, won't take the time to stop and listen to "the muses". It's work and speaking for myself that sort of work will make you look at some ugly in the human soul from time to time. Sometimes its our soul, sometimes it's the soul of the species as a whole. It's been my experience that this sort of sight takes incredible strength to bear but the end result is something that can't be taken.
    Lastly, it's a good thing we aren't neighbors. We'd never get anything done, other than figuring out the Universe of course. trace

  8. Oh my ain't that the truth? Well, all of it actually but that last phrase is just perfect. You keep bringing up things that I once knew but have forgotten.

    Believing in what you do is so important but what if you don't do anything? Work-wise? Is just believing in being a good person enough?

  9. Heather,
    Oh man.. wecould be the same person.
    "...believing in being a good person enough." Of course, but enough is a troublesome word because it's so subjective. I thought about it and came to the conclusion, for me if at the end of my life, I'm lying there thinking, "I wish I had.." Then probably no, and it's time to listen to the voice of "me minus the bs." It's found in what gives you joy. Friends? Your work? Something you've wanted to do but think is too hard? etc.
    This is the exact, precise, singular moment in which I find myself. I am wholly convinced we're on a treasure hunt and we've left ourselves clues all over the place. That's the alchemy thing I keep referencing. that word has an interesting genesis and it comes down to "juice". I'm applying that thought to an examination of current life poo and juicing it to get not only change for me, but seeing if following the rabbit, the muse, the id can lead me into another phase of my life, one full of purposeful pleasure without leading me to "do evil."
    Honestly, I want a house on a remote beach where all family and friends love to be, enough money to travel the world with ease if not comfort, leave something for my kids, both the ones I bore and the ones I adopt along the way. aaaaaaaaand I want to be a good person. Basically, I'm a greedy bitch who wants everything. yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

  10. I like the word "instinct" a lot. But maybe that is just the kind of clue that you are talking about.

    And I love your greedy dream--the first part made me laugh because when I was thinking of your "where" initially my immediate response was "Bali". It is a good one. And it is your dream so why does it have to be small?

    What worries me most is that I am not so sure what I want my dream to be anymore. I put all of my heart and soul into my first career but had no life. I left it behind to have a life, relearned a new career but have not worked in a year. We don't have kids, I feel rudderless. And guilty that Remi is shouldering the responsibility for us in these tight times. There is a huge amount of pressure on his shoulders. And I am not equipped to just go out and get a job here for several very real reasons. I wish money didn't have to be a part of the equation, but who doesn't?

    You wrote of "purposeful pleasure" but I am not sure what my purpose is right now so it can be hard to allow myself to feel the pleasure. That is one of the reasons why I am writing my blog. To make the obvious, obvious to me.


I love to know what you think, "for the Sake of Blessed Connection and Exquisite Controversy"