...a way of seeing beyond inner and outer.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

My husband's girlfriend.

     My weird/happy life has already been discussed here and for those of you have been following along, you may have begun to think we have one of these California/"Mormon hippies with tans and board shorts" families.  But no.  We're just doing the best we can with what we've got, and we've got the girlfriend. This topic needs to be removed from my to do list before I go on with my "big reveal" and if you're not chuckling, you should be because I am. ( About the "big reveal" not my husband's girlfriend.  There's not as much chuckling there.)
     Long before I met my husband, when he was still married to my wife-in-law, he spent so much time in the dentist office that he became friends with the woman that ran the office. His teeth recovered beautifully because the dentist is amazing. In fact it's the same dentist that I went to the other day for my teeth.
Actually, I'm stating to think maybe we're not right.  Be that as it may husband, lady, friends. Wife of 28 years not happy anyway, but this doesn't help.  Understandably so, but nothing more than a few too many emails and a few rounds of golf with the gang happened between them.  Even if it had, my philosophy on relationships is, if my partner going to be unfaithful, I want them to hurry up so I can kick their sorry sit downs to the curb and move on with my life. Jealousy never stopped one man from jumping into a woman.  It also helps that I have a very high opinion of my self worth and pity the fool that doesn't share my opinion.  
My response to all this was,
"You want to keep your girl friend because you've known her forever?  No problem. We'll all be friends."  Her husband.  Her.  Me.  My husband.   You know.. two couples.. in love with each other, friends with another couple.  Sounds like a 1950s tv sitcom waiting to happen.
Unfortunately, the girlfriend has made it clear that she does not want to "all be friends." She wants to date my husband.  You can imagine how I feel about that.
Games I would not play ensued with "I'll call you"s and "Tell Tracy I said hi"s and "We should get together"s where we "get" and they decide not to"gether", leaving us to sit in a bar all night waiting for people who don't show.  Yeah.  Not feeling the fun.
So here we are.  Years later, where she's calling my husband, to apologize about being "a bitch"  ( her words, not mine )because he had to cancel a lunch date on a work day and crying on my husbands shoulder during a legitimately stressful time in her life.   And yes, I know she has a husband of her own.   She evidently needs my husband too.    
Am I mad?  No.
Am I stupid? No.  And yes, that's hard to sell.
Am I going to stop being kind to her? No.  Probably not.
Am I a saint? No
Am I going to insist I be a part of her friendship with my husband?    No.
Am I going to insist my husband end his friendship with her?  Phhht.. No.

So what am I going to do?   I'm going to get a boyfriend!


but what I am going to do is slit her tir...


I'm going to do nothing.   I know all the people involved.  I know what I value, and I know what she thinks is "out there" in my husband really isn't, because as wonderful of a man as he is be no one can ever make you feel better or worse about your life than you.   The girl needs a hug.  I have a very high opinion of the quality of my hugs and I pity the fool who doesn't share my opinion.


  1. Wow, that sounds really complicated. I admire your sanguine approach to the situation. I'm afraid I'd find the nearest golf club and chase her off the course. Figuratively and literally.

  2. I am with JJ on this. WOW!

  3. JJ,
    Observant and self-possessed maybe. Sanguine, implies that I haven't thought of pulling out the nine iron. I truly have, but time has given me a perspective that I didn't have twenty years ago.
    Besides, knowing the players, "the indifferent confident wife" who rolls her eyes bothers her a great deal more than the "jealous wife" who thinks she's a threat.

  4. Hmmm...very intersting. But, yes, if she thought you were jealous, that would puff her up even more. I wouldn't worry about her as much and would be more concerned with your Hub. If in conversations with him, he felt like it bothered you but he still wanted her as a "friend", then that's a red flag.
    Okay -- I have too many questions that are none of my business... you don't have to answer them.

    Did the "non get-togethers" really happen?
    What does Ms B's husband think about all this?
    (I knew of two couples living in a cul-de-sac who ultimately got divorced and married the other spouses -- it all started with two people sharing or confiding in each other.)
    With your high self esteem, you'll be able to discern what is really going on and make the best decisions.

  5. GG,
    I have the same reaction with regards husbands, but it's just one of those things I know and can't explain without being so specific it would be hurtful to a basically good if misguided woman.
    The get-togethers have happened. We've done things as couples, but after one such occasion, she told my husband she missed the times when it was just them. After that I knew the "let's be friends" thing was a farce opted out of it.
    As far as my husband, oddly enough, this blog post has brought up the issue again and it's a work in progress.
    As far as hers, I have no clue. No husband I know, including my own would tolerate it, which is why I have such an issue with it.
    "Wait. This sort of friendship is okay for you, but not for me? hmmm.. problem." etc.

  6. Wow...you are pretty tolerant. I am not a jealous person in the least and my husband is free to have as many "girlfriends" as he wants but this? This is a whole new level my friend.

    I bet that informing her husband of this situation will quickly put an end to the entire mess....

  7. As I get to know you more and more through your posts, I want to tell you how I admire you and appreciate what you share with us. It sounds like you know what is true for you and you let that truth keep you - despite what some other person may be bringing in to your life. For what it's worth, I don't think your approach or perspective is "stupid" at all. You're simply not allowing another person to rob you of your peace - and that is incredibly wise. It's self-respect. You know what you know and you trust that.

  8. Ameena,
    Her husband knows and sanctions the friendship. As to why that might be, I can't begin to imagine. Maybe he's more evolved than I am? Maybe he's happy to have her be someone else's date for a while? Maybe he has a girl friend? I'll ask him if I ever get the chance. Maybe I should call him and ask him to dinner for that very reason!?

  9. Jeff,
    Your observations have been most enlightening and reminded me of a few forgotten truths.


I love to know what you think, "for the Sake of Blessed Connection and Exquisite Controversy"