...a way of seeing beyond inner and outer.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Want. I'm over it.

      I'm sort of tired of things, even experiential things, even beautiful things. They're everywhere I look, in magazines, on other people's ( beautiful ) blogs, in shop windows, in catalogs, on television. They're starting to put little pits of discontent in my life. 
     Why?  Because the nature of things, even exciting experiential things, even beautiful things, is that someone keeps making more.  So you look at your pile, then you look back at someone else's pile, and you think,
     "Their pile of beautiful things looks so much nicer than my pile beautiful things." 
"Their experiential things are so much more exciting than my experiential things."
They're all consuming, consumptive, temporary, illusory carrots on the end of the stick that is your life, and striving to acquire them is the other stick, you know, the one that smacks you in the face constantly.
     Hypocrisy alert:  I really like beauty. a. whole. lot. very. muchly.  I crave it, in fact. I also think I should  have/do/go to really exciting experiential things so I can talk about here, but once again, coming here, doing this has made me look at this experience ( the life one ) from the inside out and neither beauty nor exciting are enough for me any more, but at the moment, I don't know what is.  
     A few days ago I made a list of things I want to accomplish next year.  I'll do them because I said I would, or at least I'll try, and often times, I do things because I feel glad after I've done them, but I'm not excited about the prospect of doing them.  At night I do all the visualization you're supposed to do, you know, the one where you've already "done" whatever it is you intend to do. At night I do this and my thought is still "meh", but whatever.  
    Before you ask, I'm not depressed. I just don't see the point in 99 percent of the things we "strive" to do or get.  I'm thinking 
1) there is no point 
2) it doesn't matter that there's no point and 
3) right this minute, right this now, right this second, I still want very much to be a life. ( and no, in this case, that's not a typo). Life is deeply, richly, profoundly, unreservedly wonderful.  I have everything.
The only problem with the realization that you have everything is that you want nothing...
Now what?  
On second thought, I guess I do want something, I want a ru to help be.getme out of this gu.
"The syllable gu means shadows
The syllable ru, he who disperses them"
A few days of meditative reflection might be in order.
I apologize in advance if this confuses, offends, distresses or disgusts anyone, the thoughts, not the bubbles. If the bubbles confuse, offend, distress or disgust you, you too might want to take a few days to quietly mediate on... well, if I knew that I wouldn't need to do it myself.

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