...a way of seeing beyond inner and outer.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Therapy, table for one.


I'm sure there are people who never get "stuck".   I am very happy for those people. I am not one of those people, and to tell you the truth, I'm  not really happy for them. I envy them, because they're probably the same people that like to exercise.     
A few mornings ago, I woke up stuck.  I did not want to accomplish anything  and unless I'm the only one that's figured this out, you all know you can get through your day with a lot of movement and no sense of progress, so over time, I have developed a method for getting my own dang self unstuck, but it's not pretty. and it's more than a little weird, but I don't reeeally care, because it works and I'd rather be weird than take a pill. It get's weird from here.
There are 11 of us in here....
 I have a document entitled "Conversations" where I talk to myself.  This is an excerpt from that morning's entry:  

Me again.
I love me again..
Yeah yeah.. me not there again.
So where are you?
In a box and not deep enough but deeper than I should be.  It’s closet time.. nah nah nah nah.. closet time…can’t see that…  for those of you playing at home, this is how I describe the feeling of wanting to spend the day in the bottom of the closet with a book and a flashlight.
Funny.. not exactly your best work, but I see your point.
Yeah, well everyone is a critic.
I have no criticisms.
Whatever.. so here I am…
Where is here?
Just… blah  I’m uninterested in everything. I don’t feel “depressed” per say, just not interested. 
Where does that come from?
I don't answer myself... which stays as a blank line in the document. I'm very orderly about my insanity.
Yeah.. see.. you’re going to have to want for it to shift.
I’m here aren’t I?
Are you here to have an audience for your wallowing or are you here to break free and move back into joy?
There we go….
What are you angry about?
Well, if I start pointing at other people, I know it’s just a deflection, and to tell you the truth, at least I recognize the only reason that I’m “angry” at other people is because I want to be left alone and allowed to wallow.
Progress has happened.
Well, I don’t feel any better
No, but you feel.    That’s a start

It's at this point that I stop and come here, because it occurs to me that I can't be the only person who experiences these moments of being stuck in a mind set I dislike and unable to shake it and if I am, then I think you'll all find it amusing, or call someone and get me help.  So now, as the stuck progresses, mental wheels spinning, psychiatric mud flying, I go back to my internal conversation, where I give myself the assignment to look it, whatever it is, between the eyes.  I'm not moving past this any other way.

It’s not like I think there’s any thing wrong it’s just that I’m not in joy.  How do I change that?   There’s no one “out there” that’s making this happen. I am.. and I want to change it. 
Being. If this is a day of sadness, let it be a day of sadness. If it’s a day of loss then let it be…
But I don’t want to stay here..
Then you must let it be until it runs its course.
That makes no sense. That's sitting down and waiting in the crapper.  (  and this is the cleaned up version therapy for one is just as intense as therapy for two) I don’t see you as an "angel of light" right now. 
My law is being what I am, the same law I’m asking you to fall into because you know what you are.
I am not You
Aren’t you?  What do you think you are?  All you are is Me. Isn’t that what you seek to remember so you can Be.
Yes..this scares me.  and quite frankly, as I think about posting this, it embarrasses me too.  
What is the only thing that produces fear?
My ego telling me “what’s real"
What does ego tell you is real?
That I am separate, alienated, not whole. It's them against me. That I am not enough …no, it’s telling me that you are not enough. 
Am I enough?
Then you don’t need to do anything.  You need to Be…

At this point, I'm getting there. I feel the thaw happening, the "letting" go.. and yes, I probably shouldn't have posted this, but semper veritas.

Okay, so are you done?
Yes yes..  sort of.. no…I'm nothing if not indecisive.
Deflecting or pushing your ego out isn’t going to do it.  You have to face it. Period. There ain’t no short cut to paradise.  And there’s really no such thing as “sucking it up.. “ there’s only pushing it down.  That doesn’t make it go away. It just keeps it/and you stuck there.
Okay well here’s the deal.. I resent the drive to be the best, be good, be better, be amazing
lol… what the hell??.. can’t I just do something that brings me joy because it brings me joy why do I have to turn EVERY single thing into…  oh..
Yes.."oh" .What do you Be lieve right now?

It’s at this point I go look up the word believe.  Here’s what I found.  Believing and loving are closely allied. Late Old English belēfan took the place of an earlier gelēfan ‘believe’ (with the associative prefix ge-), which can be traced back to a prehistoric West and North Germanic *galaubjan (source also of German glauben ‘believe’). This meant ‘hold dear, love, and hence ‘trust in, believe’, and it was formed on a base, *laub-, which also produced, by various routes, English love, lief ‘dear’.
I still say, joy, love is the only way. Total, all encompassing nonexclusive loving with abandon. That's not a tic on a to do list. It's a continual state of being in love, with my self, with everyone around me, with every thing that presents itself whether it's in the form of "get some" or of "learn some".

lagniappe:  All these t-shirts and much more hilarity can be yours at thinkgeek.com.  more fun than being a geek should be.

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