A habit I nurture is the asking for and then noticing the moments of sweetness that fill my life. That's why, when I have participated in this meme in the past, I've used a series of those moments, listed very neatly, detailing the amusing or lush or happy things that happen to me through my week. I'm able to do that because I make a point of jotting them in a small notebook.
Last week's list was very short. I could list all the events that made last week one I won't miss, or the few things that did make it into my notebook and expound on them but the truth is, I had stopped noticing all the other good stuff that was going on while the unpleasantness held me in rapt attention. That realization was my perfect moment and suspect I'm not the only person that gets stuck in the mental mire of missing the point from time to time.
By Saturday, I'd had enough and with terrific effort and focused intent I began to decide over and over to look for "good". I started by greatly lowering the bar from "perfect" to "not horrible" because "not horrible" is much easier to see and there's something to be said for low hanging fruit. Saturday was a struggle, but I kept swinging. I also drank two tequilas, thought a lot about breaking into the valium I keep on hand for flying, whined a lot, got angry at my husband for not seeing how bad last week was, got mad at my husband for not seeing I didn't want him to tell people how horrible last week was, and had two or three misery cookies, cookies used to alleviate misery rather than to celebrate the existence of butter and sugar in good proportion. They don't work. In fact, not much did. Not a rousing success, was Saturday.
Then Sunday happened. I'm not sure what caused the shift, and it wasn't even a dramatic shift, but I accepted a few mistakes I'd made with people I loved. I said I was sorry. I got over myself a little bit. I fixed all the problems left to me by my own need to be liked and decided it wasn't my business to be liked and never would be. It's my business to be loving.. It's my business to see around the smoke and mirrors of my own head to what lies beneath the fears we show each other. It's my business to search my own soul for all my unchecked fears so that they don't motivate me to lash out at other people. I decided to be still and watch the universe (other people ) unfold for a while rather than trying to bend it (them) to my paper crane will and last, but not least, I decided it was my business to plan a party, bringing me much closer to "perfect" than to "not horrible".